I Trust In You

Back in July I posted this . I opened up about how I was really struggling to accept the cards that have been dealt to me. I was struggling to maintain a good attitude at a time when I was feeling pretty yucky. Lately, I have been struggling again. Over Christmas break Tyler and I traveled to Northern California to see my family and while we were there I had the chance to visit my specialist. Can I just say I love my specialist? She has walked with me through the unpleasant health "stuff" since I was 15 years old. She is a Christian lady and has been such an encouragement to me through for the past 9 years. Every time I go to see her she welcomes me with open arms. Oh and can I just say that she is so awesome that people travel from the East Coast just to see her? I think that's quite telling.

I have been feeling pretty lousy the past few months. I have really been struggling with fatigue and intense pain. Also my blood sugar "issues" have been acting up as well. I had a feeling when I went to see her that she might have some answers for me. She did. I had blood work done a couple of months ago and she was able to look at the results and help me figure out what's been going on. It was definitely not what I wanted to hear, but it was good to find out some answers. Of course I didn't like the solutions; more medication. Ugh. She prescribed me 6 new medications. I have been to get by with about 4-5 medications during the past year and half, which has been a blessing. For a few years I was taking about 12. Now with the addition of these 6 new medications I am back where I was before. It's so frustrating. It's frustrating when I am doing everything I am supposed to that my body fights me so hard. My specialist has told me many times over the past few years that I am one of her most challenging patients to treat and she reminded me of this again on my last visit. She says that I have one of the worst cases this disorder that she has ever seen.

What has been really hard the past few weeks is that I am not struggling to get adjusted to the new medicines. I didn't expect to be spending a lot of my Christmas break sick. I had a hard time eating without getting sick the first couple of weeks. I was so dehydrated that my lips would just start bleeding. I woke up every day so nauseous. I am finally starting to feel better and my appetite finally returned last week. Headaches are a side effect of many of the medicines and I have been getting a headache every day. The last 2 days I have had a terrible migraine. NO fun at all. I went through a spell about 3 years ago when I was getting migraines and having to go to the doctor to get shots for relief and during that time I was prescribed some migraine medication; thankfully I have some medicine left over from that period of time. I woke up this morning and my headache has most definitely eased up so I am also thankful for that.:)

What has been so hard the last few weeks has been submitting myself to God and trusting in his plan for my life. Last week I laid on our bed with Tyler and just sobbed. I kept telling him, "I am a mistake." I was having such a hard time dealing with everything, feeling sick, tired and overwhelmed. It's hard to accept that I am only 24 (almost 25 in 13 days!) years old and struggling through some very hard health things. It's hard to understand why God hasn't chosen to heal me. I sometimes wonder if I will struggle through these things for the rest of my life and that scares me. It just doesn't feel fair.

I have found great comfort in many things the past few weeks. My husband is incredible. He is so encouraging. He takes great care of me. He lets me cry. He never tries to tell me how to feel. He reminds me that I was made in God's perfect image. He reminds me that I am the most beautiful woman in the world to him. He reminds me that he chose me. His love for me overwhelms me. I have a loving, supportive family and friends as well. They shower me with love and encouragement.

Who have I found the most comfort in? Christ. It sometimes amazes me that I have so many unanswered questions about Christ and what He allows to happen in our lives. I don't understand many things about Him, yet I love him so very much and take such comfort in Him. What amazes me is that He understands me. He knows my every need. He knows me better than any one else ever will. He can provide me comfort that no one else can. Even when I do not understand Him, I can find rest in Him. Tyler has reminded me several times recently that we wouldn't want to serve a God we understood...that's the beauty of faith. What a good reminder.

Although I don't understand, I will choose to trust in Him. Psalms 37:5 says, "Commit your ways to the Lord, trust in Him, and he will act." This verse brings me great comfort.



I love the lyrics of the worship song "Healer." I have been listening to it over and over.

Here are the lyrics.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need


Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

He really is all I need. Nothing is impossible for him. He holds MY world in his hands. I will trust in Him.