At A Loss

This past week has been really hard for me. I feel like a lot of things have just "hit" me at one time and just trying to process through my feelings has been hard. I simply feel at a loss for what I am going to do next school year. Things don't look good for teachers at all. In the Riverside Unified School District 372 teachers have been pink slipped for next year. I cannot even believe it. Class size reduction is being eliminated. Awesome. What a good decision...let's pile 34 students into a class with one teacher. Don't even get me started about how I feel about this. Not to mention the fact that these teachers are expected to be miracle workers. It's all about test scores and making sure students achieve high scores on the CST. Not that testing is bad; I just think it has gotten out of control. Teachers are not given a lot of room to be creative and actually "teach." It's all about standards, testing, benchmarks...blah blah blah.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I feel so discouraged. The word is that all the pink slipped teachers will get first priority to sub (which is the right thing to do) and all of the other subs (me) will not be able to sub at all. After working so hard for my credential I really feel like none of my hard work even matters. I had a 4.0 throughout my credentialing program and I honestly feel like it doesn't mean anything. I made it through student teaching and exhausting myself to make sure my portfolio was flawless and you guessed it...it feels like it means nothing. All I have now is a piece of paper, student loans, and no idea what I am going to do. I only have four 1 month classes left till I have my Masters Degree in education and it feels like when I finish it I will just have another piece of paper in my hand, but no teaching job. Since having a Master's will not really benefit me right now (it just means a district would have to pay me more, which makes me less desirable at this point) I am trying to "drag" out completing my Master's over the next couple of years. I just have to take one class a year to stay enrolled in the program so that's my plan as of right now.

I feel so frustrated. I feel called to be an educator. I am passionate about education and making a difference in the lives of kids. I had two teachers who left such a tremendous imprint on my life; I want to be that kind of teacher. I felt strongly that God was calling me to this profession; I followed that call. Now I just feel like all I see in front of me are closed doors. People keep telling me, "Oh just find a new profession." I know they are just trying to be helpful, but it really isn't helping. It's not just that easy.

I contacted an employment agency a few weeks ago to check into maybe finding secretarial work after this school year ends. The lady told me, "We won't even look at you until you have two years of experience." It frustrates me that I have 5 and half years of college under my belt and I won't even be considered for a job that doesn't require a college education until I have 2 years of experience. I understand experience is necessary, I do, but seriously...you won't even consider me?

I keep hearing things will turn around for teachers over the next few years, but what about right now? What will I do? It feels like it will take a miracle to find a job in education for this next year. I have had a few good cries this past week. I just feel disapointed, confused, and sort of purposeless. I like subbing, but I want my own classroom. I want to see the same kids everyday and invest in their lives. I want to make a difference. I feel so satisfied in every other area of my life. I serve a great God, have an amazing husband, awesome family and friends, and am so blessed. However, right now I just feel like I am trying to figure out what God wants from me. I am scared about what I will do. I now that I can't worry about the future, but sometimes it's hard not to. Everyone says to wait 3 or so years and there will be so many teaching jobs at my fingertips. Tyler and I feel in about 4 years we will want to be starting a family and we know the challenges that may come with that, so will I even be able to start a new teaching job at that time? There are so many unknowns.

What do I know? I know I serve a God who sees my heart, who has a plan and a purpose for my life. I just wish I could see that dang plan right now!;) I have been praying that God will give me peace of mind. I know He knows what lays ahead and I guess that is all that really matters.

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."
-Matthew 6:34

On another note, my husband is so amazing and such a huge support. This week has been rough for me. Not only have I been discouraged but I am battling another cold and a run-down body. On Monday I laid down to take a nap and found a love note from him under my pillow and yesterday I came home to a beautiful little potted plant he had bought for me with a note next to it that said "I love you." He melts my heart. It makes me tear up now just thinking about him and how good he is to me.

Here is my pretty little plant. It smells amazing too.:)